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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Pack your bags, young Jeremy
Sinner of the Day #208 By now you have no doubt heard of joker Jeremy Parker, who took his chances with Guantanamo at the Kansas State University forum: given a chance to chat up Dubya, he asked, "Seen Brokeback Mountain, George?" Well, not in those exact words. And you know how I love a joker. The president, who is reported to be obsessed with the movie (he's screened it with buddies visiting from Texas like 28 times) (you heard it here first), responded wtih a vague, "Well I can talk about ranches ..." Jeremy, nice job. But where are the follow-ups! Ask him about ranching. Ask him how he determines the best places for his cattle's waterholes, ask him how he lays out fenceline and what works best when calling in a stray goat, about where to tickle a sheep to calm it during shearing, about what wild grasses, fruits or nuts will make ranch animals sick, about the knife he uses when castrating a calf, and what he does when his stud is having trouble connecting to the breeding mare? Go ahead, George. Tell us. 
Imagine, if we had Dubya's feet, we'd have thumbs where our big toes should be
The idea here, ostensibly, is, "See? Bush took the training wheels off! He doesn't just surround himself with pre-processed groupies anymore." Except where did he go? Kansas. Everyone knows that Kansas is redder than a cherry popsicle, than Nancy Reagan's favorite dress, than last year's US budget. Let him open at Oberlin and then we'll talk.
Some kids at KSU took this as humorlessly as some on the other side of the spectrum did when Clinton was asked about the nature of his drawers.
[One student] wrote to Parker ... "thanks" Parker for "embarrassing" their school. And another student wrote "I tried to imagine a bigger waste of space than Jeremy Parker. I got nothing."
You kids ... have a future. On the Interwebs!
Posted at 09:26 pm by LadyPenelope
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Monday, January 23, 2006
Sinner of the Day #207
Enthusiastic members of Improv Everywhere engaged in No Pants day on the subway. I say enthusiastic because, well, gosh, No Pants Day isn't until May 5. But don't let me stop you. God knows, cops will. They'll stop the whole subway train, hell, because gosh, you just can't expose people to ... boxer shorts.
Too sexy. Too sexy for your cat.
Have you ever been to Cats? Have you ever really considered Superman's pants? Both are more revealing than boxer shorts and, by this logic, could result in court dates. Cats should probably be closed down pronto, if for other reasons, but I dare those members of New York's finest to arrest Superman. Superman, who might've lifted a cop up by his badge! Superman, who could've stopped the train with one hand if he wanted to! Superman, who wasn't afraid to share his bulge! I guess a man like Superman doesn't mind leaving his ball sack vulnerably exposed because, after all, he can catch a bullet like he was grabbing puffs from a cotton tree drifting in the summer evening air. What's going to get within an arm's length of his ball sack? I mean, besides Lycra, Lois, and Lefty?
Posted at 10:35 pm by LadyPenelope
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Thursday, January 19, 2006
Sinner of the Day #206
Ah, reality television stars. In and out of prison like my dad and your mama. American Idol twins Terrell and Derrell Brittenum are but the latest cream of the crop. Seems they wanted a car enough to forge their signatures, and now they're up for forgery and theft. Terrell may have watched his television debut from prison, but Derrell's on the lam. Probably not a good idea to advertise your most wanted status with a reality TV stint.
Who gets the top bunk?
That said, no wonder these reality television stars keep landing in prison. The desperation required to humiliate oneself on national television for a lousy contract and the insufficient $250,000 (sometimes less) in prize money can only stem from individuals who would forge their signatures to steal a car. And if celebrities can't bury their mug shots, where do you expect reality TV stars to get that kind of hush money.
So, readers, I guess we'll have to settle on earning our money the old-fashioned way: whoring.
Posted at 02:16 pm by LadyPenelope
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Bringing a whole new meaning to "Genesee Cream Ale"
Sinner of the Day #205
Besides North Carolina pulled pork, I have two weaknesses: Ice Cream and Beer (I could just as well say gin or wine or champagne or tequila, but for our purposes today, let's keep it to beer). Hmmm. Two great tastes that taste great together, or a serious ruination of two perfectly worthy temptations?
Chimay, and a little gelato
Posted at 10:01 pm by LadyPenelope
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Sinner of the Day #204
Looking for a lawyer? Have I got one for you! He's eligible (sort of), and willing (very much so), experienced (way!), and not afraid to outsource when circumstances require. Is that a good thing in a lawyer? Who knows. But he comes with a nice book of poetry.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Unless you're lucky.
I passed by Monica's apartment the other day. I wouldn't know except that a companion informed me. We fell on different sides of the line: my friend sort of hates her, but I have a lot of sympathy. Clearly, she should not have chosen as her confidante a woman as cynical and embittered as Linda Tripp, but then again she was 19. And when you're 19, and the president--leader of the free world--offers you pleasure, what do you say? I guess it depends which president.
Posted at 11:16 pm by LadyPenelope
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My Profile, at least, the not-so-interesting parts I'm willing to confess to
 Sinners Unite!When I was a lass of five, a nun told me that in order to get into heaven I had to be absolutely perfect--a saint. So I better start trying, she implied. Fuck that shit. I dedicate this small piece of the web to celebrating sinners, the more unabashed the better, who bravely row against the current of religious tyranny. I meant it to be daily, but it's harder than you'd think to find quality sinners. They should ideally be non-repentent, shameless, proud. If the powers that be are trying to ban them, all the better. But I'd like to add that I'm not looking for assholes either. Sin and sincerity go together well, and sinfulness and sweetness are not mutually exclusive, as anyone who's ever had a Vosges truffle well knows. And piety's such a bore! So leave your sanctimony at the door, and nominate some A-plus sinners!
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