Keeping the Faith

Are you a Sinner too?

Mon, 15 May 2006 19:12:01 GMT

Meet me here. We're waiting.

New Home Away from Home

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 21:34:54 GMT

Too busy to sin. Sort of.

Come Join us at Fat Jerry!

Right now I'm busy setting up a new community blog to replace an old community blog, so I'm not quite around as much as I was. Never fear. Sinner of the Day will return, just not tomorrow.

And if you like sharing random links and debating the latest headlines with funny irreverent people who spend way too much time at the movies, reading in their hammocks, and consuming ungodly amounts of gin, join us.

At least I don't have to shovel

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 20:13:50 GMT

Sinner of the Day #216

Ah yesterday was beautiful, wasn't it? But now it is the day after the blizzard. Slush puddles at every crosswalk. I've fallen on my ass three times and I have a painful dark lump on my backside. Don't let appearances deceive you: snow is the blackest of evils.

The Blizzard of ... 2005. Add one year and 20 inches.

Swing!

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 22:08:44 GMT

Sinner of the Day #215

Apologies for the delays and absences of late: owing to outsourcing (India) at mycompany, we are getting laid off, all of us or most of us, the news changes every day. The severance package looks better every day too! Nonetheless, even as I muse over months of paid vacation, I feel I ought to attempt anyway to retain employment, or at least make money on overtime, so I've not had as much time.

Anyway, to today's sinner: Mr. Humboldt. You are very cute and are probably capable of seducing suitors of all sorts. Well, of all penguin sorts--you're not quite my type. We're not asking that you give up your gayness. We're proud of you, really. It's just that the survival of your species depends on you right now. Can't you at least get really drunk and dally with a hen? We'll post a picture of your special friend on the wall if it helps. If you don't like it, that's fine. We never have to go there again.

Out and proud

I'm not asking you to do anything I haven't done myself. Turns out I'm straight, but at least now I know, Mr. Humboldt, and from experience. Open minds, Mr. Humboldt, open minds.

Whipped and beaten

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 02:02:11 GMT

Sinner of the Day #214

Seems like everybody's whipping it out lately. At Arizona State University, one poor 18-year-old sap, possibly lonesome and homesick during his first year away, sought solace in the fast internet connection of the library stacks. Apparently their dorms aren't properly wired.

And should i ever get a pornographic tattoo like Peta Bull did, I won't complain when the airline stewardess asks me to cover it. Au contraire, in public I'd likely keep it concealed, since

1. Some people its better not to turn on
2. It's probably not a turn-on anyway
3. My turn-ons are private, and none of my brother-in-law's business
4. I won't force it upon other people's children to endure The Talk
5. I'd really rather nobody find out how drunk I got that night.

That said, the tattoo looks relatively tame. Tackiness only feels like a crime.

Give yourself a hand!

And lest they be left out of the fun, German soccer hooligans, needing to get a message to their rival, chose to wave giant inflatable willies. How does this get organized? Where can I find a giant inflatable willie? I mean, not for any purpose, just ... how do hundreds of fans all arrive at the stadium with inflatable willies? It doesn't seem the sort of item one would find a tthe club shop.

The plumage don't enter into it

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 21:34:07 GMT

Sinner of the Day #213

This is a sad post: while I might seem like a ravenous over-sexed booze hound, the truth is, I fully support responsible, moderate moderation. Which is why I'm sorry to report the death of Viennese (I'm Viennese!) songbirds, who apparently flew head into windows after gorging on fermented berries.

"They looked like they were chronic alcoholics," Sonja Wehsely, a spokeswoman for Vienna's veterinary authority, told Austrian television Thursday.

RIP Tootie. He went out craving a cheeseburger

I guess they mostly died with a smile. I make no judgments, but they will be missed. Moderate moderation, everybody. Moderate moderation. Too much hurts the best of us. Sigh, but why does that have to be ...

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 20:30:35 GMT

Sinner of the Day #212

I love to read, and I love to drive, and what better idle than to read and drive? I've had, in the past, to drive half way across the country back and forth and back again, many times a year. Do I ever know how boring a long car trip can get! Who am I, then, to cast any aspersions in David Kennedy's direction. The road is long, indeed. And sometimes requires porn. David, have I ever been there!

David K., YOU DOG

But take my suggestion: instead of pulling out the magazine, use your imagination on the driver in your rear view mirror. This might entail some crafty manipulation through traffic. That's why you have a middle finger, friend. Use it sparingly.

Not afraid to do the dirty work

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 02:53:32 GMT

Sinner of the Day #211

Heehee. Across from the Concord police station, Ernest and Debra Watts needed to make a few bucks. Of course, they could've opened a doughnut shop, but naw. They went for the big cash and started a brothel. Who'da thunk they'd ever get busted?

Surveillance of the apartment revealed arrive by 10 a.m. and leave by 7 p.m. Men would enter and leave throughout the day, staying fora Monday-through-Friday operation in which women would about 30 minutes at a time, according to the affidavit.

That's all it takes for a brothel conviction? Oh dear. I might've lived in a few.

A thorough hands-on investigation was decided necessary

But the real prize for the day goes not to Ernest or to Debra but to the cops and whoever was responsible for the sentence:

Police raided the apartment in January of 2005, six months after an informant tipped them off ... The couple, who lived in Fairfield but recently moved to Las Vegas, will be prohibited from working in any business related to prostitution as part of their probation.

Special Sauce

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 02:59:21 GMT

Sinner of the Day #210

This is admittedly a little lame--Abound, ye sinners! Abound!--but Scotland has recently crowned its master at the World Mince and Tatties Championship. I don't know what Mince and Tatties are. I don't want to know what they are. But I have a pretty good idea of how Constable Barney MacFarlane makes his mince and tatties stand out in the crowd:

The Strathclyde Police officer, who beat 15 other entrants to scoop the prize, said: "There is just one ingredient that maybe isn't in your traditional recipe, but I'm keeping it to myself."

Please. Do. You dirty, dirty constable.

Well, you can't make Scottish food taste any worse.

Also, I love how Scotland calls this the "WORLD" Mince and Tatties Championship. Besides Scots, has anybody else bothered to enter the race?

Special thanks for the photo to Matthew Haughey of the very cool Ten Years of My Life, whose work is released under the Creative Commons License.

Its never as dirty as you want it to be

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 22:11:49 GMT

Sinner of the Day #209

Legacy Hedonism Ale. If you live in or around Reading, PA, look for it in your beer store, beneath the brown wrapper. Certain Penna residents (you know who they are) are shocked and aghast at the pr0nigraphic bottle art, and have decided to treat Legacy Hedonism ale like convenience store pr0n: put that away! Alas, a thorough search of the wrappers reveals no indecent anatomy. Penn-nuts, I'm not saying I would use it for my child's wallpaper, but, as I know something of PA's restrictive alcohol sales laws, why do you bring your toddlers to the beer store?

Click on pic for explosive hedonistic ... oh, forget it. Well, it is red.

Legacy Hedonism Ale. It sounds too good to be true. But it gets a pretty decent score, better than Wolavers not as good as Bells, and I'm happy with either of those. Hmm, maybe I should get a job doing beer bottle illustration.

Pack your bags, young Jeremy

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 02:26:42 GMT

Sinner of the Day #208

By now you have no doubt heard of joker Jeremy Parker, who took his chances with Guantanamo at the Kansas State University forum: given a chance to chat up Dubya, he asked, "Seen Brokeback Mountain, George?" Well, not in those exact words. And you know how I love a joker.

The president, who is reported to be obsessed with the movie (he's screened it with buddies visiting from Texas like 28 times) (you heard it here first), responded wtih a vague, "Well I can talk about ranches ..." Jeremy, nice job. But where are the follow-ups! Ask him about ranching. Ask him how he determines the best places for his cattle's waterholes, ask him how he lays out fenceline and what works best when calling in a stray goat, about where to tickle a sheep to calm it during shearing, about what wild grasses, fruits or nuts will make ranch animals sick, about the knife he uses when castrating a calf, and what he does when his stud is having trouble connecting to the breeding mare? Go ahead, George. Tell us.

Imagine, if we had Dubya's feet, we'd have thumbs where our big toes should be

The idea here, ostensibly, is, "See? Bush took the training wheels off! He doesn't just surround himself with pre-processed groupies anymore." Except where did he go? Kansas. Everyone knows that Kansas is redder than a cherry popsicle, than Nancy Reagan's favorite dress, than last year's US budget. Let him open at Oberlin and then we'll talk.

Some kids at KSU took this as humorlessly as some on the other side of the spectrum did when Clinton was asked about the nature of his drawers.

[One student] wrote to Parker ... "thanks" Parker for "embarrassing" their school. And another student wrote "I tried to imagine a bigger waste of space than Jeremy Parker. I got nothing."

You kids ... have a future. On the Interwebs!

Feeling Breezy

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 03:35:31 GMT

Sinner of the Day #207

Enthusiastic members of Improv Everywhere engaged in No Pants day on the subway. I say enthusiastic because, well, gosh, No Pants Day isn't until May 5. But don't let me stop you. God knows, cops will. They'll stop the whole subway train, hell, because gosh, you just can't expose people to ... boxer shorts.

Too sexy. Too sexy for your cat.

Have you ever been to Cats? Have you ever really considered Superman's pants? Both are more revealing than boxer shorts and, by this logic, could result in court dates. Cats should probably be closed down pronto, if for other reasons, but I dare those members of New York's finest to arrest Superman. Superman, who might've lifted a cop up by his badge! Superman, who could've stopped the train with one hand if he wanted to! Superman, who wasn't afraid to share his bulge! I guess a man like Superman doesn't mind leaving his ball sack vulnerably exposed because, after all, he can catch a bullet like he was grabbing puffs from a cotton tree drifting in the summer evening air. What's going to get within an arm's length of his ball sack? I mean, besides Lycra, Lois, and Lefty?

Folsom Prison BluesD

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 19:16:31 GMT

Sinner of the Day #206

Ah, reality television stars. In and out of prison like my dad and your mama. American Idol twins Terrell and Derrell Brittenum are but the latest cream of the crop. Seems they wanted a car enough to forge their signatures, and now they're up for forgery and theft. Terrell may have watched his television debut from prison, but Derrell's on the lam. Probably not a good idea to advertise your most wanted status with a reality TV stint.

Who gets the top bunk?

That said, no wonder these reality television stars keep landing in prison. The desperation required to humiliate oneself on national television for a lousy contract and the insufficient $250,000 (sometimes less) in prize money can only stem from individuals who would forge their signatures to steal a car. And if celebrities can't bury their mug shots, where do you expect reality TV stars to get that kind of hush money.

So, readers, I guess we'll have to settle on earning our money the old-fashioned way: whoring.

Bringing a whole new meaning to "Genesee Cream Ale"

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 03:01:52 GMT

Sinner of the Day #205

Besides North Carolina pulled pork, I have two weaknesses: Ice Cream and Beer (I could just as well say gin or wine or champagne or tequila, but for our purposes today, let's keep it to beer). Hmmm. Two great tastes that taste great together, or a serious ruination of two perfectly worthy temptations?

Chimay, and a little gelato

Well, Beer Ice Cream abounds: if Newcastle's new pints aren't in your local grocer's freezer, chef Eric Bertoia at Cafe Boulud has made available a recipe using Cherry Kriek beer. What, no available Cherry Kriek? Not an excuse: get out the Guiness you usually save for meal replacements and start on this recipe from the Boston Globe.

If it's good, call me. I'll be there in five minutes.

Esquire

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 04:16:32 GMT

Sinner of the Day #204

Looking for a lawyer? Have I got one for you! He's eligible (sort of), and willing (very much so), experienced (way!), and not afraid to outsource when circumstances require. Is that a good thing in a lawyer? Who knows. But he comes with a nice book of poetry.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Unless you're lucky.

I passed by Monica's apartment the other day. I wouldn't know except that a companion informed me. We fell on different sides of the line: my friend sort of hates her, but I have a lot of sympathy. Clearly, she should not have chosen as her confidante a woman as cynical and embittered as Linda Tripp, but then again she was 19. And when you're 19, and the president--leader of the free world--offers you pleasure, what do you say? I guess it depends which president.

Apartment 3-G: still a godsend

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 04:44:56 GMT

Sinner of the Day #203

Look, Lu Ann dressed sexy for new year's. She just got dumped by that rat bastard Scott, and by god she is going to get some.

Ode to the pick-me-up

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:37:49 GMT

Sinner of the Day #202

I am having a bad day. Not just an ordinarily bad day, but the kind of day that leaves me wishing I could take a scaldingly hot meat tenderizer and use it to pound my arms off of my body. But since I'm meeting somebody for dinner this evening, and since there's no proper kitchen supplier in the financial district where I work, that'll have to wait. Let's just say, I understand why the Brits like a ten a.m. cocktail.

Stop talking sense

Vengeance is the realm of the smallest soul.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:34:10 GMT

Sinner of the Day #201

Vengeance, thy name is Mouse.

FT. SUMNER, NEW MEXICO -- A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Ft. Sumner said he caught the mouse in his house..

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there.

No one was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

No on was hurt, that is, except the mouse. Sometimes vengeance requires you to throw your whole self behind it.

Mousefire

"That dang mouse crawled in there," Mares said in a telephone interview from a motel in Fort Sumner, where he is staying with his nephew. "I have an awful hate for those critters."

I have no hate for those critters. Only awful and fearsome respect, a property insurance form and two big and very hungry cats, only one of whom is blind, in case any of my rodent friends were considering co-opting my real estate.

One track mind

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:39:25 GMT

Sinner of the Day #200

Train rides can be long but they needn't be dull, thanks to clever pranksters on Melbourne's Sandringham line. Apparently, they broke into the intercom system and broadcast a most lively conversation.

Shocked passengers thought Thursday evening's blue broadcast on the Sandringham line was the result of the driver accidentally pressing the intercom button while on a private call.

"It was a raunchy female voice and went on for quite some time," said Belinda Jackson, who was homeward-bound when she heard the erotic announcement.

"It was fairly graphic. There was an elderly lady sitting across from me and she was giggling behind her book." She said the announcement concerned a man's endowments and performance and "it was very complimentary."

That is just awesome. The old betty had the exact right response for an old betty. I wonder, was the prankster on the receiving end of the call, or was he mocking the lucky recipient?

Trainspotting

Last summer, on the train home, the MTA conductors used the intercom system for a lively exchange about someone they liked to refer to as "That Asshole," as I wrote about on Catch.
There's nothing so titillating as becoming the accidental voyeur. Well, unless it's your parents getting the action. Or your ugly roommate in college. Or ... well, the list goes on.

But that said, if you're planning on staging a similar prank, you'll first need to record some steamy aural action. Thank heavens Joe Parsons went to the great trouble to write a FAQ on phone sex for his dissertation. What I love best here are the acknowledgements at the end: writing a FAQ, it takes a lot out of a man. And leaves just enough for another phone call.

Walking on the wild side

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 02:27:38 GMT

Sinner of the Day #199

I remember when I first heard about JT Leroy, not where but I remember the substance of the description: the depiction of JT, the prostitute hustler, as an innocent sounded a shade too romantic. "He's a hustler," I thought. "And you're being hustled." Not that I questioned his writing; I never read anything he wrote, but the stories about celebrities rushing to his aide brought to mind a certain guileless and entirely predictable urge to prove one's charity when presented with a case sufficiently sensational.

Not that I had any idea, I didn't: it turns out JT Leroy isn't a boy prostitute. In fact, he isn't a boy; he's a brilliant, marvelous hoax, invented by Geoffrey Knoop and Laura Albert, and currently being played by half-sister Savannah Knoop. How do all the celebrities pattering about how "tight" they were feel now? God I love this.

We build our own traps

I've always questioned memoirs anyway. How do people recall all this shit? Isn't our memory a fiction? Mine sure as hell is, and I hope I'm not the only one honest enough to admit it. We tackle life with the myths we've invented for ourselves. It would be too plenty-heartbreaking to do otherwise.

So in a week of literary hoaxes, hoax number 2 is the unfortunate outing of James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces. Some facts don't check up, facts you think he'd realize would eventually come to light. For example, he was in prison for a couple of hours, not a couple of months, and he's probably not on any most wanted lists (if he is, it's soon to be less). But give him a break, he's not alone. I'm guessing anybody, if they bothered to write their life story, would be surprised with what the fact checkers dug up. We misrepresent ourselves to our selves every day: it's called mercy.